You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
