my phone needs a breathalizer
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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