just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
