i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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