1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
the night ended with taco bell and tears
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
