i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
