He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
