hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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