My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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