All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
