youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
