I think I died a long time ago.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
