we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
