So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Randomize
