BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Randomize
