i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
