Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
