And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
