Welp...herpes.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
