My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
