Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
