judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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