I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
