So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
