if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
