he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
