Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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