I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
