He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
