I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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