just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
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