I don't usually arrange sex via text message
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
