Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
