He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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