Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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