I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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