do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
