she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
