areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
