Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
