I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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