i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
