My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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