I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
