I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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