Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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