I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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