just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
pop tarts are not kleenex
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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