Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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