I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
