Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
