so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
