i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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